The post on this blog (http://havokjournal.com/culture/i-wish-you-could-see-your-suicide/) says it all.
Suicide ends your pain, but those left behind feel that pain twofold. We hurt with the pain you endured where we couldn’t see. And we hurt with the pain your death & missing you causes us. I like to think that if you could have seen what your suicide would do to us you would have made a different choice. But I know that is just wishful thinking.
I think you knew what you were going to do, but none of us did. Even the sadness in your eyes the last time I saw you didn’t clue me in. I missed all the signs and I have to live with that every day. It’s a mother’s job to comfort and lift up her children, but I failed and it tears me up inside.
Sometimes I hurt so much I have a hard time holding it in. And, yes, I have to hold it in so I don’t frighten my coworkers or the family. If I let go I may never stop. I miss you and think about you every single day. I remember all the calls we had and how we used to read each other riddles to solve. I remember the relief I felt seeing you come down off that plane after your first deployment ended. I remember the joy on your face when your baby girl was born. I remember holding you in my arms for the first time; your first smile, your first steps.
These memories all come flooding back every day and every day I feel my heart trying to mend, but there are so many pieces it will take a long time for that to happen. And until that day comes I will cherish my memories and wish with all my heart that you were here with me.